October 2025 Newsletter Feature: Helping the Bereaved Face the Holidays

As the weather cools and the leaves change colors in autumn, most people in early bereavement begin to face the inevitable sadness that the winter holidays present. Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hannukah, and New Year’s Day are just a few of the obstacles soon ahead among those for whom we provide care. Negotiating the holiday season—at least during their first year in grief, and often, depending on the circumstances of the loss and the relationship of the person who died, for many holiday seasons to come. When the loved one died later in the year, often the first holiday season is still so flooded with shock that the real impact of the death is not experienced until the second holiday season—or perhaps some of the lesser considered holidays in the late spring such as Mother’s Day or Father’s Day.

In bereavement support groups I have led, we always set aside a meeting in early November to talk through plans for the holidays and then in early December, we usually have another “check in” to get a sense of how holidays were going for group participants. Even past the second year after a loss, holidays can still present significant challenges. I believe it behooves us who support bereaved individuals and families to be alert to these challenges during the final weeks of the year.

Many of the familiar feelings of sadness and loneliness are reignited during the fall and winter, even many years after a loved one’s death. While some of these feelings are typical of this “pensive” period of shorter days and colder nights, the intensity of family-related holidays is also a major factor in year-end bereavement.

Beginning with Halloween for those whose child has died and continuing through Thanksgiving, Christmas or Hanukah, and culminating with New Year’s Eve/Day and Valentine’s Day, late fall and winter provide special difficulties for bereaved people. Caregiving professionals and volunteers can take a few steps now to help bereaved individuals negotiate the holidays in grief more effectively.

  Acknowledge the Pain . For a couple of reasons, year-end holidays are especially difficult, most notably in the first few years of bereavement. First, these holidays are sentimental occasions with unique sights, sounds, and smells that make their appearance undeniable. Nothing screams “loss” as loudly as walking into a shopping center the last week of October to be bombarded by all of the Christmas decorations. 

But the holidays are also undeniably difficult because of their natural association with family. In our society, Thanksgiving and Christmas are especially associated with having family together. So, when family members die during the year, their absence is keenly felt by survivors at these times of focused family gathering. Even when family life was accompanied by abuse or other dysfunction, many people have always held out hope that “this year, things will be different.” These further compounds the loss being experienced by grieving people during the holidays.

In support groups and with individuals, note the approaching holidays in late fall. Asking, “How have you spent the holidays in recent years?” can prove helpful in starting a discussion. In my experience, virtually all bereaved people dread the approaching holidays so having a care provider to acknowledge how painful they can be and to start the dialogue about what is ahead is a great gift, indeed. Another helpful question to ask in both group settings and individual counseling is, “What holidays were the most important to you in your relationship with N. ?” I cannot know best how to support if I do not know which days will likely present the biggest challenges. 

Recommend Resources . In the last few years, authors have written a boatload of books about facing the holidays in grief. Recommending them to individuals and support group participants can provide a special opportunity to discuss grief during this difficult time. Here are my favorites (all of which are available through amazon.com).

  Wounded in Spirit: Advent Art & Meditations by David Bannon (Paraclete Press, 2018, $ 18.95)  

The Empty Chair: Handling Grief on Holidays and Special Occasions by Susan Zonnebelt-Smeenge and Robert C. DeVries (Baker, 2001, $ 11.99)

  How Will I Get Through the Holidays? by James E. Miller (Willowgreen, 1996, $ 3.25)

A Decembered Grief: Living With Loss While Others Are Celebrating by Harold Ivan Smith (Beacon Hill, 1999, $ 15.99)

Encourage Planning . Because bereaved people face the holidays with a significant amount of dread, one of our jobs as caregiving people is to help them make a plan for what lies ahead. Encourage a listing of traditions in which the bereaved participated with the person who died as a first step. Then, invite the bereaved person to go through the list and highlight the activities in which he or she is interested in continuing to participate.

As the bereaved person works through this list, she will undoubtedly come upon some activities in which she just doesn’t have the energy to participate this year. Help her formulate words to use in declining these invitations and negotiating with other family members who believe she should “keep everything just like it used to be.” You will want to point out that we all grieve in the context of family and friendship circles, so she will want to consider the feelings of others, as well.

Also suggest, however, that there are some holiday activities in which the bereaved person may want to participate, but just in a revised form. For example, if a widower used to send out 200 holiday cards every year with his wife, suggest that he might want to pare down the list to 25 or 30 key friends to whom he writes a personal note, perhaps in addition to a photocopied holiday newsletter. 

In both support groups and in individual work with clients, make sure to alert them to the inevitable holiday cards that will arrive from people who have not heard of the loved one’s death. You can help group members or clients create a three- or four-sentence “template” to send in a note to people who have not heard about the loved one’s death.

Assess Support Systems . One reason bereavement becomes complicated is because some people have little natural support system around them. Even if there are relatives close by, they are not necessarily supportive in ways which are meaningful to the bereaved person. Assess for the nature of this support by asking, “Who are the people who are most supportive to you right now?” “What are the things they do that seem supportive to you?” and “What do you wish they would do differently that would be more supportive to you?”

No one grieves well when left to grieve alone, a fact laid abundantly bare during the worst of the COVID pandemic.  We are not made for the isolation that bereaved people often face during the holidays, and one of your most important contributions might be to help him or her find meaningful ways to serve others, especially if the bereaved person has no family or close friends living nearby. In the hospice whose bereavement program I led, we had a widowed bereavement group leader who always held both a Thanksgiving and Christmas potluck at her home on the actual holiday, and found that from five to ten people would usually attend. Others visit a nursing home on the holiday or find other meaningful ways to serve others.

The best gift we give to bereaved people as the holidays approach, however, is our acknowledgement that these days are difficult. In the midst of a social network that is always encouraging people to cheer up and put on a happy face, our acknowledgement and the direction we can provide often spells the difference between languishing through the holidays or growing through them.

The Author: For nearly 40 years, William G. Hoy has been counseling with the bereaved, supporting the dying and their families, and teaching colleagues how to provide more effective care. After a career in congregation, hospice, and educational resource practice, he now holds a full-time teaching appointment as Clinical Professor of Medical Humanities at Baylor University in Waco, Texas. He can be reached at Bill_Hoy@baylor.edu.